Sleep is for the weak

Author Message Date Posted
Josie George My son, Kai, is 18 months just after Christmas. He has never slept through the night, although his sleep has really improved over the last few months.

He usually only wakes up twice in the night now, the first time about midnight, settling without milk and then waking anytime between 2-4 when he will need milk to settle. He's going to sleep well in his cot on his own, with his dummy and just a bit of patting and hand holding. He resettles himself when he wakes (which is frequently) apart from those two times.

He usually gets up at about 7am.

We still have this problem in that once he's awake he finds it almost impossible to get back to sleep - no matter what I do. He gets very angry and upset and just can't settle.

Last night he woke at 4, had some milk, but then didn't fall asleep again till nearly 6. Putting him in his cot when he's too awake and he just gets enormously distressed (and has started head banging) so I tend to give him a feed and a cuddle till he's a bit sleepier then he doesn't mind being put back to bed to fall asleep.

It can take him forever to relax enough though. Pain is definitely playing a part, sometimes it is obviously teething pain and last night he only began to settle once he'd had some teething gel, but it's EVERY night so can't always be teething.

My other problem is that he's refusing to sleep in a baby sleeping bag or to be covered up with blankets. I'm having to dress him in vest, sleep suit and another thick fleece suit to try and stop him getting cold and sneak in to put a blanket on him once he's asleep.

Falling asleep varies. If he's tired enough we can go switch of the light, I put him in his cot with his dummy in and he'll go to sleep on his own. Other times, if he's struggling to fall asleep, he'll like to hold my hand for a bit or have me pat his back, but I always stop once he's settled and let him do the last bit of falling asleep on his own. I also take out the dummy before he falls asleep - though this sometimes takes a few attempts to do it without him responding with screams of outrage!

 17/12/2009 10:54
Lucy Fitzgerald Hello Josie.

Some quick questions:

1 - why do you take the dummy out before Kai falls asleep?

2 - have you ever put Kai in his cot at the beginning of the night and left the room before he goes to sleep or do you always stay in there?

3 – does Kai have anything he uses to self soothe? i.e. blankie etc… and do
you ever use any music to help him relax at bedtime?

Thanks, Lucy. x
 18/12/2009 19:23
Josie George Hi Lucy.

1. I take the dummy out as I'm trying to wean him off it. If I leave it in he just wakes up whenever he stirs wanting me to go put it back in! The idea is if he gets used to falling asleep without it he doesn't need it to fall back to sleep when he stirs in the night.

2. I do tend to stay with Kai as he falls asleep but try not to stand right over him if I can - I stood by the door tonight till he'd settled which was quite an achievement and he seemed happy with.

3. We've tried comforters and things in the past but he's never taken to them - just not bothered about them at all. We tried music but it tends to wake him up. I know it sounds stupid but he loves to dance and as soon as you put music on he sits bolt upright and starts swaying and bobbing about! Quite funny really.

Thanks.
xx		 18/12/2009 19:32
Lucy Fitzgerald Ok. since you got to the door today (well done!)…. Here is my suggestion to make things even better!

Firstly, I would just like to say that having never met Kai, I am giving advice based on the information I have. So if I make suggestions that seem totally wrong, please just say! And secondly, a small word of caution - whenever we decide to improve the sleep of our little monkeys – it’s nearly always inevitable that we all have less sleep for a little while.

But focus on the end goal of sleeping all night, every night... and you will cope! Remember that Kai needs good quality sleep as much as you do.

My first suggestion is to teach Kai to fall asleep by himself, without you in the room each night. Because you've already made such good progress, I don't think this will be too hard.

With the dummy – I think that since he really seems to need to suck to get to sleep, you could turn this to your advantage and give him the independence to self soothe, using the dummy. Research has shown that babies who learn to use a dummy without help from their parents become great sleepers!

Sound in the bedroom that is very boring may also help. Many young children and infants find absolute silence very disconcerting. If music stimulates him, try something that is just background noise - like the sound of the sea. A ticking clock could work.

Keep the cot free of all toys - no distractions other than the dummy and the lovey.

So that's the scene set. By doing all of the above, you are creating a sleep environment in which Kai can learn to soothe himself without your help.

Following exactly the same steps before bedtime will also help Kai. You say you don't like to bath him every day because of his skin. So I suggest you create a stage that involves time in the bathroom, such as a warm wash etc. Then you can keep this as a stage in your bedtime routine whether or not it is a bath night. So your bedtime routine might go like this:

1 - Bathroom for wash.

2 - Cuddle in towel and get into bed clothes.

3 - Story

4 - Milk feed while cuddling lovey and playing relaxing noise.

5 - Pop Kai in cot.

6 - Give him his dummy (never put it in his mouth - only in his hand). Or just show him the dummy on the Sleepytot and let him decide whether or not he wants it. Tell him he can find a dummy on there if he needs one.

7 - Leave the relaxing sound playing

8 - Say your sleep time words. These are really important in triggering sleep for babies. They might just be "it's beddybyes, sleep all night" or whatever works for you. The important thing is that you say exactly the same thing before bed every night.

9 – Go to the door, turn out the light, and wait for Kai to fall asleep!

This is obviously the ending we're aiming for rather than beginning with!

The bedtime routine should take no more than 30-45 minutes, or you will start to lose focus and Kai might just get himself a second wind!

Consistency is really important in establishing bedtime routines.

Since you have already done so well with standing at teh door whilst Kai goes to sleep, I would stick with this and gradually move out of the door until he is finally able to go to sleep alone without you there.

Be prepared for protest. And know what your limits are. For example, Kai knows you are there. He feels safe, you’ve given him a relaxing bedtime routine. So if he does get cross that you've left the room, have a think beforehand about how you will handle this.

It's really important that at some point Kai learns to put himself to sleep without you in the room. He'll then be able to do that again when he wakes at night.

You can reassure Kai with the sleep words that you've chosen.

Night waking - when Kai wakes at night I would do exactly the same thing as you did at bedtime. It will be harder because you’ll be shattered and so will he but he will understand very quickly.

So go in, show him where the Sleepytot is or where the dummy is. Say the sleep time words. And then stand or sit by the door. You will want to cry when he wakes right up and shouts and hollers and you’re really, really tired… but I promise you this will work. You must ignore him.

Remind him of the sleep time words every now and then. Until eventually, he goes to sleep… he will be tired and he’ll soon know from experience that you just sit there, he’s safe, and he may as well go to sleep.

What you are doing is being present for Kai but giving him the opportunity to learn to self soothe.

Do the same throughout the night. Again on night two, again on night three.

So on night four you are going to put him to bed in the same way as above and then leave the room. Be prepared for a fuss but stick to your guns. If you go in again, show him where to find the dummy, remind him it’s bedtime with your sleep time words but don’t do anything for him. i.e. don’t help him get back to sleep. Give him this chance to learn how to do it and remember that you will be doing this for him – giving him chances to learn stuff on his own – for a very long time!

Naps - I am wondering if an hour is enough sleep for Kai in the middle of the day? I suggest allowing him to have as long as he needs to (waking him after 2 1/4 hours). It's possible that Kai's night waking is due to him being overtired by bedtime. So a good sleep in the middle of the day will help.

Finally, I suggest you write everything down. This will help you to see if things are improving and encourage you to keep going! You may also be able to spot trends - such as how a longer nap may improve Kai's night waking or make it worse!

It's often very easy to see how things can be improved quickly by taking a look at a sleep diary that's been filled out over a seven day period.

18/12/2009 19:53
Josie George Lucy that is wonderful. Just off to bed now but I will give it all another read through properly tomorrow.

Do have one initial question. Kai is still having one breastfeed at about 3ish which is when he tends to WAKE wake up and struggle to get back to sleep. Is the best way to tackle this just to not offer it him? He will get very upset so find this one hard :(
 18/12/2009 19:55
Lucy Fitzgerald Josie. I know. The middle of the night/early hours of the morning will be the hardest time.

Really, it is good to be absolutely consistent from beginning to end… he definitely doesn’t need a feed at night – I promise you that.

So he is feeding for comfort. If you’re happy to do it, then of course do! But he’s likely to still wake for it while it’s still being offered…

Often when talking to mums about this stuff I find that they actually enjoy that 3am feed all snuggled up in bed! In which case, do it, and don’t feel bad at all.

But, if you do want to change things then you will need to say no. The best way I can help you do this is by pointing out how many times you will say no to sweets in the next few years just because they will affect Kai’s nutrition. Or saying no to jumping off a wall… or whatever you say no to because it is for Kai’s own good… getting him to sleep through the night is undoubtedly for his own good. It will impact his moods, behaviour and development.

BUT if you’re not ready… then don’t do it. Because one day you will be ready and so will he. So have a little bit of a soul search on this one. Whatever you decide is between you and Kai because you’re his mum and no-one knows him better!

It might be that you’re only ready to teach him to self soothe at bedtime. So you could get that all sorted first. And then when he wakes at night, do what you’re both used to. It will all take more time but that’s absolutely no problem.

So you could start with just teaching him to go sleep by himself, without anyone in the room, use the dummy independently and self soothe. And then if he wakes at night, you could do what you’re used to.

Once you get bedtime sorted, maybe the rest of the night will sort itself. If not, you could replicate the bedtime process in the middle of the night.

There is no MUST do… only what you’re comfortable with…



18/12/2009 19:59
Josie George Thank you so much Lucy, I really appreciate your advice and your support.

Thought about this a lot last night and today and think I have a vague plan
for the next week or so. Doing too much too soon with Kai has never worked
well, he does well with slow and steady and I'm reluctant to change too much
all of a sudden, not because I don't think it would work because I'm very
sure it would, but I'm reluctant to put him through too much distress.

So I'm going to concentrate on teaching him to go to sleep on his own in his
cot without me there and self-soothe with his dummy. And I'm going to be
brave and cut out the night feed. I know it's only comfort now but it's been
an important source of comfort and reassurance to him during difficult
nights so I've been grateful for it. A couple of months ago he was still
feeding several times in the night and I decided it was time to reduce the
feeds. Getting it down to one is a huge achievement and I'm ready now to
take the next step and drop this last one - the hardest one I think!! I'm
not going to with hold all other forms of comfort to start with as he gets
sooooo upset, but once he gets used to it then I'll try and replicate the
bed time strategy at night too.

I tried it last night and it was ok. He woke at about 2.30, very upset so I
gave him a cuddle and offered him a drink of water but told him NO MILK. He
had a drink and kept asking for milk but I kept saying no and put him back
in his cot. We had very angry screaming for about 25 minutes, but I kept
saying our sleep words (which are Night Night Kai lie down and go to sleep)
and I lay down next to the cot and patted the mattress till he held my hand
and went to sleep. He woke again at about quarter to 6 at which point I was
so knackered I did give him a feed but my aim will be to push this back
until 7ish when he gets up for the day.

I'm going to try the same tonight. Then in a day or two I won't get him out
the cot at all. Then I'll work on him settling himself a bit more.

I find it so hard but we are ready for this, both me and Kai. I like to
teach him the right way gently and gradually but firmly and this has worked
really well for us so far so I really feel this is the best way to continue.

It's a good time to do it too - my hubby is off for 2 weeks so if I have
difficult nights there will be more chance for me to have a lie in and some
extra support as well.


Feeling very positive - thanks again.

xx


 18/12/2009 20:03
Josie George KAI SLEPT THROUGH!!!!! 7.30pm - 6am

Best Christmas present I could have asked for!

And his Sleepy Tot and CD arrived yesterday - thank you so much. Coincidence?! I'm beginning to think the Sleepy Tot has magical powers. We tried it with his nap first and he wasn't sure but then come bedtime he happily cuddled up with it, with dummies attached. I think it's a hit!

The night before had been dreadful again. He'd been wide awake from 2 till 5! Not crying much for a change but just couldn't sleep. I have a feeling we're going to still get nights like this but if we get some sleeping through nights too then I will be more than happy!

Just wanted to let you know. Have a wonderful Christmas xx
 26/12/2009 19:54
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